How to Tell Friends & Family You’re Eloping Alone
First, I’ve been in your shoes deciding to elope alone with no friends or family invited. I know this can be one of the hardest parts of eloping. You’re probably going back and forth with yourself on whether to even tell people or if it will just need to stay a secret forever. Or you’re wondering how people will react and if they will be excited for you or disappointed. You probably want to invite some people but you know that it will either not allow you to have the experience you want, or it will become enormously expensive and stressful for everyone involved. This is all completely normal. As someone who has been through it myself, here’s a guide on how to tell friends and family you’re eloping when they aren’t invited.
Tip: Of course, you know your people best. Please take this advice with a grain of salt and consider the dynamics of your relationships.
Get Clear on Your Reasons For Eloping
It’s important to clarify between the two of you why you are eloping before sharing it with others. Talk to each other about what kind of day you want and why you are choosing an elopement. Is it to have greater privacy? To escape potential family drama/stress at a big wedding? To have an intentional day with your relationship at the center?
No matter your reasons, making sure you can clearly articulate the why will make conversations easier and more confident. This clarity also helps immensely when planning the rest of your elopement day.
Decide When to Tell People
There are a few options here, but the big two are to tell folks before you elope or after.
In some friend and family dynamics, I think waiting until after can work out. In most others, I think you’d be taking a risk by keeping it a secret until after you’ve eloped.
That’s because the root of most family/friend disappointment at couples eloping is that they feel like they can no longer be involved in this important moment in your life. I recommend getting them on board as early as possible and allowing them to be part of the planning process (if you are comfortable with that). This way, they can still feel like they had an important role and they can see your excitement for your elopement.
At the end of the day, you know your friend and family dynamics the best, and you know which option will cause you the least amount of stress and potential fall out. Choose what feels right for you.
Decide How to Tell People
Okay, now that you’ve decided when to tell folks, you’ll need to settle on how to tell them. Some options could be in-person, over the phone, or through a letter or message.
Personally, I chose a variety of phone calls and text messages for the people close to me. I’d also been preparing my family and friends for this decision for quite a while though, so it wasn’t necessarily a surprise for them.
If you’re planning an elopement and want guidance from someone who’s been in your shoes, you’re welcome to reach out here.
Decide What to Tell People
It can feel difficult to tell people you are eloping, especially if they had other expectations for your big day. Here is how I’d recommend leading the discussion:
- Let them know you appreciate and love them.
Decide What You Want to Share or Have Folks Involved In
Before going into the conversation, you should agree with your partner on what you want shared about your elopement and what you want other people to be involved in before, during, and after.
Here are some ideas as you discuss:
- Do you want other people involved in things like:
- Suit/dress shopping
- Helping you pick a gift for your partner to be given on your elopement day
- Having a bachelor/bachelorette party to celebrate
- A celebration after your elopement with family/friends
- Watch your elopement ceremony live via Zoom
- Having people write you letters to read during your elopement day
At the end of the day, I recommend only sharing what feels supportive and right for the two of you. This is YOUR elopement.
Prepare for a Variety of Reactions to the News
If your friends and family had other expectations for your celebration, it’s likely that they will feel a range of emotions to your news. Some could be supportive of the decision (my father thought we were being financially wise by opting out of the big wedding), or they could be confused, or they could be disappointed (to be honest, I think a little disappointment at not being involved is unavoidable).
If you receive negative reactions, I don’t recommend taking them personally (though that can obviously be difficult when you are sharing something you are excited about and feels deeply important to you). Their reactions have more to do with them and their own expectations than you.
If you feel the conversation taking a turn, here are some tips:
- Pause and breathe before responding. Answering immediately is often emotion-fueled and could escalate the conversation.
- Emphasize that this decision was not made to exclude, but to have a day that feels meaningful and intentional to the two of you.
- If there is a misunderstanding of what eloping means, reassure that this is not the elopement of the past where it was a quick ceremony meant to just do the legal stuff, it’s an elopement with meaning and intentionality.
Let Go of What You Can’t Control
At the end of the day, you can’t control how other people will react to the news of you eloping. If they are upset when you tell them, acceptance may come later once they’ve had a chance to think about it and understand what you are doing. It may also never come.
But the important thing is that you are choosing a celebration that feels right to you, and it’s okay to choose you in this moment.
If you want someone in your corner who understands both the emotional and logistical sides of eloping, I’d love to support you.
My Own Experience
I’ll take you through my own experience as a real life example of how this can play out. Keep in mind that this was before I was an elopement photographer. I’m also the youngest child of four and there had already been two large weddings in my immediate family. And finally, I have a reputation in the family for doing random adventure-esque things – which meant this decision didn’t come as a shock. I know that’s not the case for everyone.
Here’s How I Told Everyone
I started telling my parents far in advance of when we eloped – like years in advance. My husband and I got engaged right after college and then both went back to school for our master’s degrees. I also lived abroad for two years. Needless to say we had a long engagement.
Of course, my parents asked what we were planning to do throughout that time. I had seen photos of people eloping in cool destinations on Instagram and knew that was what I wanted to do, so when they asked, I told them I was thinking about eloping and showed them some of the inspiration photos. My dad just joked that he wouldn’t have to pay for another wedding (classic). I had been nervous about their reaction though (my sister had two large weddings, so I thought that’s what was expected), so this seemingly small moment allowed me to breathe a bit of a sigh of relief knowing my parents would probably be fine with what we had chosen.
Because I’d been laying the seeds, when my husband and I finally decided to set the date and location, we let everyone know and the reactions were largely positive. We were also eloping somewhere far away and remote, the Westfjords of Iceland, and it would have been expensive and difficult for anyone to attend. I think the remoteness helped take the pressure off of invitations. Like a lot of people deciding to elope alone, I was prepared for push back on this aspect, but they seemed to quickly accept that it wasn’t feasible. My parents, I think, were a bit disappointed (it’s hard not to have some disappointment around that), but I invited them to our legal ceremony so they could still feel involved.
How it Turned Out
Overall, telling our families felt easier than I expected (I know we were so, so lucky in this aspect). They accepted that we were getting married on our own terms in a way that felt right for us. I also got a kick out of the fact that afterwards, my parents were actively encouraging my brother to do an elopement like mine.
My biggest hope for you is that your loved ones’ responses are supportive and gentle. And if they aren’t right away, that you still feel confident choosing the day that feels right for you.
An Elopement Photographer Who Gets It
As someone who had to navigate these same decisions and felt nervous to tell people we were eloping alone, I get it.
If you’re planning an elopement and want support from someone who understands how emotional these decisions can be (and who can help you create a day that feels grounded, intentional, and true to your relationship) I’d love to connect.
